Jus read a FORWARDED message from a best friend

i missed my best friend, yet there is still a line which i promised myself tht i cannot cross. It was no one's fault yet i still blame either me or him,i still cant really make it out. Ive searched myself and everyone to c that what we went wrong, yet i've failed.

After sometime i do realised tht i 've been using some defence mechanism lately to ease my anxiety for that, reaction formation on the lower end and supression and sublimation on the higher end, Freud's theory do make me understand my behaviour.......

i know i m giving up something tht i will regret in near future, i m not d type tht give up a best friend without fighting d odds, yet it's bugging me for quite sometime, if i did not gif it a stop, i might not come out from d so-called dunno how to describe kinda cycle...

i wondered he realised this thingy is happening to me,
or may be i ve failed him as a best friend,
or may be i m jus a so-so friend to him
or many be i m jus no body n it does not worth d fuss to get into the even superficial part of the problem,
or may be i had problem n he does not
or may be it easier to let it go.....

i do really miss him

Have Urself A Merry Little Christmas

It's not a lonely christmas afterall for this year, christmas eve at bangsar with a few of my gd friends do mark something different for d special day(though one my friend who did not go ask me wasnt bangsar are for uncles......, frankly it do not haha), got my beer at last, though it hadnt warn up my throat, it still satisfying :)
should had pick a place with a dance floor, but i doubted my friend would have dance.....

Gosh, one beautiful missy n aother handsome lad is missing in this photo, cont put other cause i dont look nice, hehe

I m not a Christian, so Christmas is more about Christmas tree for me, kinda lame, but i still love mother nature,

Hey where is my legs.......jus kidding, u do take a good photo :P

菲

昨晚不知为何和菱谈起王菲来，已经很久没有人谈她了，或许我大学的朋友之中没人懂我是多么的喜欢她。
喜欢她的声音，喜欢她在婆娑的乐坛竟能如此的做回自己，喜欢她对爱情的诚恳与痴心，喜欢她应用佛法来面对人生。
她是歌手，我是我, 应该是不相干的人物，但她的确是陪我度过了人生

她说过，如果有一天她不唱歌了，希望人们不要记得她
她好像不出唱片了，已经四年了，有点好想念她每次给的期待，她每次给的惊喜，她每次给的满足，
唱歌的人，从不马虎；听歌的人，永远认真。

大马第一场演唱会95年，MISS掉了，因为小学生无知，没话讲
大马第二场演唱会98年，MISS掉了，考着PMR,学业重要，没理由
大马第三场演唱会04年，去了，感觉说不出，如果高兴的scale里，有一到十，那时的感觉应该是十五吧。


王菲在中国04演唱会唱了朴树的那些花儿，昨天很偶然的在youtube看到了



...有些故事还没讲完那就算了吧
那些心情在岁月中已经难辩真假...

她有她的人生故事，需要继续写，或许她还继续唱歌，只是唱给他的丈夫和女儿听
我有我的人生故事，也需要继续写，或许我因该自己开始唱歌给自己听了，
祝福了。。。。。。。

Partially finished.....

I've settled my case write up,
I've settled my paeds-group clinical pathological conference,
I've nearly settled signaturing my log book

I m turning blue and more blue by every minutes,
ok start breathing, breathe.......

next week is exam week again........
End posting again......
Didnt pick back much of my Paeds during this 4 weeks' time
i jus remember i did oncalls, i presented cases and i slept alot, i really do mean - alot......

ok, beathe......

Dated 17 November 2007

it's so anticlimax, i never though it could be like this......
may be i did d wrong decision by making an empty slot for my busy saturday for something i think it could be fun
it supposed to be, it initially "is", but somehow it became "was" out of the blue.

disappointment is d worst penalty i can get for being best friends, n i kept getting tis lately,may be they thought i would understand, i would frankly, but i m human also,i m not tht immune towards feelings of disappoointment.

Hey man, may be a few phrases tht showed u care how was i doing lately may make my day better, - may be i m not being considerate n i m asking too much as a guy -
Hey gal, it's ur decision n i never influence tht, i wonder where was i in ur mind when u decided to went off, may be i was kept in d booklet of emergency call list like 999 or what so ever, no emergency thn.....


may be rotting im my room would be better, at least some fungus or mushrooms will grow and stay beside me......

i m loosing d ability to let things be bygones........

Finished nagging, over.

btw, last wednesday seems d best day ever in the month, although a plain dinner, it's not plain after all.

Sunday Morning

Everything reach a plateau sometime somehow,
even tiredness n depresssion,
i think mine had reached there,
they had make me weak, n now its time for me to turn it around, gambate!!!!!!

it's sunday morning,
had breakfast with my best friend,
it took less thn 1/2 hr,
busy busy busy
but at least life seems going smooth n ok for him,
i m glad to know tht

两年来的第一张正版CD - Tanya 的新 album

终于买了蔡健雅的新专辑《goodbye&hello》
过关了，过关了，声音好美，歌词写得很好，编曲棒极了，照片好漂亮。



很久已经没有这样的感觉了，已经很久没有买正版了。。。。。。
那种从唱片架子拿下来时，握在手中的唱片，犹豫着因不因该买，怕不好听，怕不值得，怕买到有瑕疵的唱片，怕我在浪费着钱，或许应该卖翻版的感觉又回来了。。。。。
那种走到counter前要给钱的时候，握着五十块一张，知道将要剩两三块回来。。。。。。
回家后，冲个凉，泡杯咖啡，然后唱片一首一首的播，夜晚十二点，房里只开了一张桌灯，
只有他的声音，我的呼吸。。。。。。。

Recovering

Finally finised my orthopaedics posting, it's not difficult but it's definately hard going through it.

-n-

i've been lazy, i've been demanding, i've been waiting, i've been hoping, i've been disappointing, but i think it's time to keep that thoughts in a box n hid it in somewhere like Timbuktu......

-n-

i dont knw y, i knew n i understood, yet still repeating the mistakes
i knew d answer yet i still wanted to ask the question,
when i wanted something so dear to me, d more i want to keep it, d more i felt loosing it.

best way is to never to think about it :)

i felt better now......

it's so long tht i didnt write for my blog, none of my friends updating their blog also, so it seems it's down time for blogging within my circles, further more no one may be reading anyway......

not happy recently, talk to my best friend, talk to my aunt
nothing helps actually,
i felt like a big baby
needing for scolding n guidence

music sooths, but sore still there
lunch n dinner with friends do help brighten up my day, but underlying problem still there.......

a few jugs of beer might help, could someone spare the time?.....

Dream, aim and reality

Dream?
sometime it's sad to know that our dreams lost in the sand of time,
we dream when we r small, dreaming when we r teenager and dreamt when we r young adults...
my secondary school teacher, My Yau told me never to forgot to dream,it's an innate spinal cord reflex kinda thingy in human, jus that we develop our own operon to control it,
i still can remember the story tht how he touched the hand of the buddha statue in Borrobudor even when it's impossible,
i did not really understand d what so called "hidden meaning" at that time, but seems like we need aging process to unlock the meaning.

Dreams sometimes r d only thing that keep u from falling down when u r being knock off by harshness of reality.

aim?
i cant imagine life without aim, may b i m OCD or what, i need aim so that i wont get myself lost,
it not fun waiting in the "lost and found" box, waiting for some saviour to come to distribute enlightenment.
Friends do help, but this feeling came too often, i think it just pending to break down.......
things jus get a little out of hand lately n i dunno what i m doing actually.

Reality?
reality is unspeakable, after all the years i still come back to d same old question with the same answer but with a "but" at the end of the answer
Q: why i want to becoma a doctor (thanks Mr Kw.. for always reminding during on call)
A: i jus want to be able to help, when my love ones (parents, family, friends, wife-still dunoo who she) is in need. They mean eveything to me,without them i m nothing, but i dunno when this answer will last , cause i started not to see the "living" in doctor's life.

It's a grey grey day, rainning soon? weather is jus so unpredictable......

It time for me to re-think n re-form

i ve been harsh on ppl, thanks pp for saying "hey man, just gif them a chance", it strucked me......we need chances for imrpovement, i may not get them but i can definately gif them out, i think i should keep the harshness to myself

i ve gained confidence in my medical student life, as well as arrogant, i didnt see d obvious tht both of often came in a package......it's time to be careful, 2 in 1 doesnt always means better......

my life planning is terrible......

Trip to Kota Kinabalu, Sabah

Let photos tell d stories

PADAS White Water Rafting...





Malukan Island & Sapi Island, Taman Negara Tunke Abdul Rahman





i got sunburnt :( didnt know tht water-proof-sun block doesnt mean tht it was not water-wash-able-proof, n now i m back in penang in d process of metamorphosis, skin peeling level 3 attained, i can c wings coming out from my back alr..........


Tanjung Aru





Mount KK



Sadly we didnt not able to climb mount KK, thanks to d always-fully-book-hotel-room, n seems-impossible-to-be-connected-Sutera-Santuary-Lodge n not to mention blood-sucking-agent-tht-charge-at-leastRM350 per person-agent (if settle by ourself will cost less thn RM200)

In a Nutshell, tis trip was great

Last Day in Sandakan

Here's my last night in sandakan,i m glad cause i m going back home, i m tired from all this elective thingy n d KK trip. i miss d usual clerking patient n presenting case. Funny isnt it...... may be i like routine n improving what i usually do
but at least i can get 2 weeks leave b4 starting my final war to become a doctor.
5th years is kinda scary to me, still remember when i was in my 1st year, 5th year senior seems so mature n insane, and i told myself, i should get tht kind of mature but not d insane part, but now seems i m not really mature but nearly insane alr, haha....
Like forrest gump said (though i didnt really understand tht statement, but it seems kinda appopriate to use here), life is like a box of chocholate, u'll never know what you gonna get......

memories,so be it, memories, and it would be crafted in my heart, shared with my friends here in sandakan. I met new friends, pharmacist W-yang, Terrence, yee ling, grace; neighbour aka businessmen, Neo and his lovely wife, Tina; Teacher who is a friend to my aunt, Jiang Lao Shi and her sisters, d doctors here and many more......
hmm...
i made more friends here in 6 weeks time,
i went into OT here more thn 12 weeks time in HKL,
1 spend my money more thn i counld ever count here in 2 months' time...
i eat more seafood here thn in my whole life (until now)

Sandakan, Sandakan, i think i'll miss you,
huggies! and muaks! before i go

Gua Gomantong, Sandakan

i would never let myself kena bird shit b4 until this gua visit....
thinking about those cryptococcus, parasite.... (Though Prof Lai remind me tht those r for immunocompromised, but who knows :/)

d journey there from sandakan is around 100km.
2 4-wheel drive,with Mr Neo n Ms Tina, our neighbour (who already belanja us alot alot alot in many many many things alr---realy realy realy pai seh).
Guess what Mr Neo prepared us a 4-wheel drive to drive.

Gua Gomantong is d cave for edible bird nest (Yan Wo) haversting.
Swallows live peacefully with d bats there.
So a piece of advice, careful when u buy birdnest cause it may mixed with fertilizer (Bat's shit)--->ok cold jokes, false statement.......

ok bout d grandmother stories, here r some photo.

u can c millions of swallow flying around in d sky, ok million sound too much, thousands..


CAVES here






with our lovely neighbours, playful couple :)



p/s: Prof Lai got tooth ache, so cannot walk there with us......

Hmm i had an idea what to do for holiday, nothing near medical i supposed

i think i m gonna make a website to intro sandakan,
it fun to have an idea what-to-do to make up a webpage,
since my last Faye Wong fans page , which is near-zero update alr
didnt touch on any html script......Rusty rusty
Here is d page tht i did few years back
--> my FAYEWONG's page

hah,
Codeki slice d Wu Can Rou
i friend ikan bilis n Wu Can Rou.
Ang cook soup n vege,

n we had dinner

Hiking in Sandakan

Ever knew tht In sandakan there's also a hill called Bukit Bendera (Penang also got one hill called bukit bendera-it's Penang hill, hehe) Cement road with no spider web. 30 degree steep with paku-pakis surronding the road.

Beautiful scenery up their




There is Bandar Ramai-ramai below there, got nice Sea food Bah Kut Teh there (But d Bah Kut Teh r not ours Herbs punya Bah Kut Teh, more to spice Pepper soup). N d land on d other side is Philipphines, jus kidding, jus d other part of sandakan. The sea is jus d teluk of sandakan, remember the geography? sandakan situated in d mouth of a canine?

S.U.R.G.E.R.Y

Started surgical posting, ha!!! as usual, organized ward, no funny smells, less patients, "Yao Yink" punya surgeon - Mr Ng. Jus d voice too soft. N D "Hallmark" of surgery - CLASSIFY (hehe, only UPM medical friend will know, surgery r always full of classification, causes --> clssification, complication -- classification) First day got clinic n i clerk more pt thn i do in me surgical posting (corrected ratio - one day clinic in HDOK n one day clinic in HKL). 2nd day i scrub in for surgery... ...

Luckily i brought our ultimate-power Mr Kwan's notes, until now still haven let me down, d OT/Ward round/Bedside-must-ask questions still valid... ...

hmmm, i think better get some updates from omy junior also. Good thing never scare much right, hehe

Medical-Medical-Medical

3 weeks in Medicine posting in Hosp Duchess of Kent (HDOK, Sandakan), finally it ending. It's my last day officially there (permission was granted by Dr Tynt Mint for going to d ward of got "interesting case").

Funny tht i was complaining alot for d medical posting, yet i still felt tht i m gonna miss medicine.

As usual, medicine ward r crowded, not with medical students in HKL, but with student nurses. Pt number was so-so, may be due to d less bed available.The MO's and d specialist are nice.
Cases seens here, out of expectedly was d usual non-communicable disease-DM, HPT, IHD, stroke but TB also common lah. But i was expecting something like rheumatid heart disease, valvular heart disease, thyphoid fever (got one pt recently but expired, dead in other word, on d day i came to sandakan which was d 1st saturday),Malaria was also so-so, like 3-4 four case during d 3 weeks' time(but no classical relapsing fever, no spleen, no cerebral malaria).
Got cholera outbreak here but it was isolated in other ward.

Ppl wear mast in female ward b'cause you'll never know a pheumonia pt came out to be pTB, a CCF patient came out to be defaulted TB treatment. (have u saw TB endometrium??? i saw one here, due to language barrier, never able to elicit d history whether it was extrapulmonary TB or due to STDs :) )

Some pt were very very poor in education and pt education also. Got one Dusun aunty dunno what is "Jantung", therefore, "sakit" jantung means nothing to her.

Today we went to the monthly "Medical Motility Meeting", it's really fun seeing the Drs presenting the case to the medical team. Fun part was we able to think alike with the doctors, may be we got great minds, so think alike lah, hehe)

Medical posting - always un-organized but had always never let me down cause it's fun!

Meth-amphitamine

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Montana Meth Project
D advertisments r good :)

Sepilok Orang Hutan n other monkey trip

Went to Sepilok Orang Hutan Sanctuary on Saturday...
Kinda tired for tis topic cause i typed twice n i got deleted without sempat being posted, thanks to d power cut in d cyber cafe n snail-comp-tht-hang-when-too-much program-being-on in d HDOK. and it's so hard to reduce d size of photos when u dont have ur comp around.

I brought back a leech from sepilok. Fed him with my femoral blood. n he jus left without saying goodbye :(

Next stop of d day was Labuk Bay to see d "Pinochio" Monkey. Those who watch cartoon will know why i call them like tht - cause they hav long nose - Proboscis Monkey. No close-up photo from d monkey cause they r really far (ok i know sound so "fai" for tis sentence). There were some other monkeys which was "Boh Kiah Lang" one, which i able to be up-close-and-personal with...... Photo from d "Keh-Leh-Feh" monkey from tht place

Ok, the above r not the monkeys.. d below one is


In a nutshell, tht is kinda like biology class lawatan sambil belajar of our Nenek Moyang, hehe applied for those who believed in Darwin's theory......

Viral Infection??

Fever, bone pain, tiredness......
2 out of 6 of us in Sandakan kena alr,
Not Dengue, Not Malaria, Not "Yit Hei" (Heaty in Chinese)
Not raised white blood count
OPD treat as viral fever 2` URTI, even without sorethroat

Hopefully it's not something like fINAL dESTINATION ----> 4 TO GO

Sandakan, Here I Go!!!!!!

1st day in Sandakan, 3 hour flight from LCCT, no DVT :)
moved into our house, was unexpectedly big.
Two day b4 we arrived, js, pl and i called the uncle incharged,
n he gif me an impression of animal cage kinda size,
fitting 6 "IN A HOUSE" seems impossible,
luckily, in actual fact, fitting a footbll team in our house seems reasonable, there still got place for guest actually, haha, seems tht i worried too much.
Different ppl got different defination of "Small" and "big"
Fridge, tv, washing machines, hot water heater, bath tub....... it's kinda luxurious
cost us 1000 per month, with 300 as deposit
Guys share one room, but pl seems reluctant to sleep in the room, dunno whether he saw something tht we didnt see???????


Simple town, different ppl from KL, chinese is the most, i think ranging 50%, followed by Malay/Indon and 5% of Dusun and ?% of philippino. (no Indian i think, cause i only saw one indian near my place, may be she is doing elective, or she was not indian but charred from the damn hot weather in sandakan)
Beside classify the ppl here to races, they also can be classified into local, non-local and illegal immegrent.
Chinese speak cantonese and Hakka as well as mandarin, other speak Pelik-pelik punya Malay.

Food is "so-so" as compared to KL, worse as compared to Penang and Hulu Terengganu. Dunno will survive or not with my odd vegetarian diet...... nevertheless i saw one vegetarian shop, so, A star for sandakan inadvance :)

Monday will be starting our posting in Hospital Sandakan, a.k.a Hospital Duchess of Kent

..佛..

好久没有学佛了。原来人是这样的善忘，曾经了解及领悟的事情却如此轻易的被时间摧毁。

"When you wake up everyday
Please don’t throw your dreams away
Hold them close to your heart
Cause we are all a part
Of the ordinary miracle"

Spend some beautiful time with someone beautiful

if only i hav a second chance.........