Fort Minor - Where’d you go

Simple song, but sad...
The sorrow follows the beats

Scrat - No time for Nuts

it's our fellow friend from ice age again..

jus wanna tell something to someone else

tis is how i feel as d song sing, hope i can say it to u where ever u r

Home

At home finally,
cannot imagine the level of happiness when i reached my humble little shed,
journey back home seems short as Poh Lee was driving much of the time,
we both had our own mp3 player,
enjoying ur own favourites...

free from medicine for a while,
enable me to breathe oxygen rather thn gas released from my o&g book,
hope the hypoxia tht my mind had is reversible,

back to the place tht i m familiar
back to my room,
back to my chair,
back being a brother,a son,a nephew and a grandson.

it's raining tonight,
but i m backed to the umbrella that i once hold,
everything seems not so harsh anymore...

i wonder how'll my christmas be for tis year........

Obsession

Finally finished my O&G posting,
didnt really performed well actually,
but at least i passed.

Realised that i cannot performed well when i m tired,
but i m not only physically tired,
i m tired from inside out,

always have a sense of letting go,
but cannot find any reasonable reason to do so,
and i have to be responsible for my decision made 3.5 years ago.

Saw a movie yesterday, The Pristage,
excellent movie to me, cause i cant guess the ending
keep wondering how was the feeling of obsession
they are obsessed with magic
their live are magic
they die because of magic

Should i be obsessed with something....

gENETIC pOOL

tonight went to gynae ward
accidentally went to observe ERPOC
< ! - - ERPOC = evacuation of retain product of conception -->
i saw my friend "Samsung" doing the operation
opp! not my friend, a medical officer look alike
it's like what cantonese idiom said --> mould of a biscuits (Beng yan)

just notice tht our world got limited genetic pool
we may get repetition

i wonder where is the other me..

It's sunday alr

Sunday means alot of things to me..

b4 joing medical schools
- morning breakfast with family
- occasionally hiking with parents
- piano classes
- movie dvd and pc programme shopping in bj complex
- help up household chores (it's help up, NOT doing)

in medical school
- mondays is coming
- wasted my saturday
- where did my friday go?
- have to ensure i did my laundry for d week

--n--

A grey side of thought....
patient walk into hospital hoping for cure
walk out when cured (plz dont spoilt it by saying terminal illness or undiagnosed disease etc)

doctor walk into hospital hoping for less emergency case/normal case
walk out hospital knowing tomoro will be walking in again

if only i have the power to pause the world and let me have enough sleep
at least i dont have to hold my book with my eyes close
passive diffusion never seems to work........

Being mocked by mock exam

finished my mock exam,
two weeks to my final,
knew i m worried but too tired to think of that,

thought of going clubbing with someone..
thought of singing k with someone..
thought of spending time with someone..
thought of catching up with someone..
knew that it's not d time to think of those, but d thoughts keep on going repeating in my mind, even better than my differential diagnosis.....

gosh, so hell lot of things to finish......in time.....
now some more need to spend time with my chocolate case write up, opps... it's chocolate cyst case write up,how pathetic, i dont like chocolate anyway

jUsT nOtHiNg

--发现--原來我也是双栖动物....

Lunch Hour

3rd day in klinik kesihatan shah alam, i m bored to death.
it's not like i cant learn anything in there, just that it's so primary care (cough, cold, fever, body ache, tired, red eye, cough cold fever, and suspected dengue). i even notice what color is the drinking bottle of the doctor and how often they drink the water, ok i m too much on that.
So i m now here at one of cyber cafe in Shah Alam, during the lunch hour, writing my blog, listening to my radioblog, and checking my mail. How desperate and pathetic it can be. i miss general medicine and my surgery or what ever my friends are doing in the other posting like peads or what eva. Ghee, i got one hour more to start following the clinic and 4 hour more to go home, 5 hour more to reach home and 18 hour more to repeat the whole process.

i need motivations, i need goals and i need to get pampered.
i want be like a small kiddo, who get ask whether how is my day like,
at least once in a while
now
.......

Bye bye Kajang...For a while

Finised my Kajang private GP posting this week.
My tutor reminded me alot,
on
how forgetfull i m in my studies,
how unsteady my basics r,
how poor is my conversation skills (i perform best by nodding and smilling )
how pathetic a dr's life is
how strong can office/XX politics' influence our hope and vision
now all sorts of animal float across my mind
dog eat dog world,
kambing biri-biri,
duck - our population are full of quack
chicken where u fulfill ur task and get killed for birdflu

on the other hand, i saw how an enthusiatic dr can make a difference in eveything

Untitled

Suddenly i m so tired of everything.
Tired of travelling everyday
Tired of sleeping in my floppy bed
Tired of hoping
Tired of being tired

seek motivation that can keep me moving forward in this hour of life
may be i m just overwhelmed
luckily there still some good news to keep me breathing

Holidays

When u dont aspect much from something, u can really get the most out of the least expectation.
Have a super cool great chat with my best friend some days ago.

She told me tht my weakest point is the strongest ability.
Keep to think of tht, ya only best friend will know tht.

She ask me for help to take her friend around in penang
it started as a friendly favour n ended up with another new spark friendship
(where on earth tht still got species tht love the songs tht i like)

i gave her a hand-made simple belated birthday present
she return me with a overwheling complement

Best friend r those who makes u feel good about urself
thanks for being tht way
n u r truely wonderful :-P

It's starting again

Hey where is the gun powder, war starts tomoro

<-- entd-of-shemster-bread delusion -->

Boring, i think not really

insecurity is building up,
insanity is watching me,

should i start a new season or stick with old n write the last chapter?
Yes, i should.
And it doesnt make any sense.

Collected part of my brain in the service centre

Laptop got stroke

cannot even reach windows

thought it was static

and it wasnt

make up my mind to sent to service centre

3 hours to reach there

thanks to the misleading address in the not-so-updated official website which did not include a
phone number

Friday went in OT n monday only come out

transplant was done

luckily i still got warenty

Lesson of the day (1) treat her nicely n gentlely (2) always extend ur warenty for ur laptop (3) Hewlett Packard provides good service :-)

The elderly had passed

Finished my geriatric posting, really Eng Eng Cheng Cheng, went for some lectures, did some patients clerking (more to listening to their His/Her-story n made them annoyed by doing the mini-mental test), n presented some cases. The challenging part was for me to ask the patient 100 minus 7 equals-to how much n did not make them look like an idiot. The sad part was i did make some of them look like an idiot as they cant answer the question (e.g. due to dementia or bla bla bla). Fun? ya, i think so.

Certain things tht been taught in lecture, where i ve gone thru personally really hit me. The lectures introduces the problem but no definate solutions. ""How and why an old person fall, how fall make the person's disease deteriorate, giants of geriatric like pressure sore when bed ridden, delirium in the disease state. How patient deal with terminal ill disease, how he/she face death, how u face death of someone u love, anticipationly or even aniversarily, how the family members face breakdown on system of taking care of the patient, issues of trying alternative medicine, issue of feeling bad on getting relief when patient pass away (e.g. not doing enough n etc), process of grief n reorganization."" i had tht experience, why there wasnt any dortor there to tell such thing going to happen, dunno? not their business? or juz relectant to tell or there is not point telling as it's out of their duty ........ Doctor cure, but how far should doctor care?

Am i getting boring?

when u started on doing something, u will never get over it.

I noticed tht since i took up medical as part of my student life, nothing much bside medical will be coming out of my mouth. Even when i writing for this blog. I still wonder whether i understand more about life, getting more experience when handling such issues or it'll be just another occupation.

Finished my derm (dermatology = skin) posting. A two weeks time with some peeping to the tip of an iceberg of what skin-ology was all about. I have such high expectation in it, yet it came out differently. Skin is the largest organ of our human body n bla bla bla, so many sign n symptoms and diseases, yet treatment r so limited. What one of the department consultant said was tht everybody think tht treating skin is easy, either moisturiser, anti-fungal or steroids. It's kinda true in CERTAIN sense, but there is a whole lot of knowladge behind it. Hmm, i got a good example, like a monk who visits a pub regularly, it seems kinda odd tht what he does. Everyone will be wondering how inappropriate and wrongful for such a holy person to go to such place. But ever wonder he is practicing and improving his calmness and other what so ever tht i cant recall, in a noisy and tempative place. So never judge ppl if we dont know anything about it. ok i got deviated n this was a very bad example.

When i m following the derm clinics, the spectrum of patient r really wide, sometimes i wonder how ppl look at disease differently. Some ppl come in for lentigines (something like freckles but with different in histological level), and ask for treatment bcause the darken spots make d face n skin look ugly. Some ppl come in with very bad acne n ask for treatment. Sometimes the condition r bad until that there was no hesitence on taking oral roaccutane (isotretinone - systemic vit A derivatives), which had alot of side effect. Some ppl come in with psoriasis, a disease which got spectrum a presentation but commonly presented with raised, well marginated, red and scally lesion. In Hokkien,it was call Gu Pui Sien (bull skin tinea, hehe). No CURE but can control. Some ppl come in for management of mucosis fungoides, or even dermatomyositis, which indicate there are or might be an underlying cancer.

On summary, something tht ppl want to look more beautiful, something tht drown ur self-esteem, something tht u need other ppl's understanding and something tht might kill u. Now u see how great and powerful the ability of skin are.

So what r d disappointment about, i asked my self. Dermatology is not just making some one increase or regain back the self-esteem. There r something tht u cannot treat n yet it keeps on reminding u tht u r having it. U cant make roti canai if u have active hand eczema, ur non-understanding spouse wouldnt have sex with u if u had severe psoriasis, thinking it might be infective, Hansen patient will keep getting reminder tht they r having side effect of clorazimine (why u skin look brownze), mucosis fungoides patient tht wanting to push the limit of the treatment (wanting to increase the maintainence dose of PUVA) as he keep seeing the red patches of lesion on his skin. The psychological part of skin lesion r so indefinately extreme.

u'll never understand if u haven have skin issues b4,when we get fed-up, we would try anything to get a better skin. whould it be too much to ask for a healthy skin. At what stage u r standing now for ur skin disorder, Anger?Depression? Bargaining? Denial? Acceptance? mine still loiterng around.

And i still not understand where is my disappointment about......

It's so hard to spit it out

I finally figured it out why i wasnt really feeling any joyfullness during my cny.
When we are small, special occasion was always special, now when older, something seems missing, thought it was d part and parcel of aging process. Then noticed it wasnt really true. Aging cause us to change from "enjoying the season holiday" to "ensure the season holiday is enjoyful". Ever felt that we tend to maintain the memories in our life tht had cause something beautiful. When they r gone, something seems evaporated.

Lately one of my friend's granny had passed away, which reminds me of mine. Someone so dear to me whenever i thought of her, tears keep floating down. So i ve learnt to mind-block myself, an ability to keep memories in refrigerator, whenever u accidentlly open d door, everythings looks raw and fresh. Yet d memory-puzzle that i ve framed seems peeling off slowly as times go by, edges torn, colors fade. How terrified such feeling could be. Gathering dinner at home without Loh Bak and curry chicken wasnt really a gathering dinner. There is gathering, there is dinner, but without the soul. Though i m a not-so-strict vegetarien now, the presence of these food, the looks, the smells, the frying sound and even the sneeze-causing aroma of chilly during grinding make a hugh difference. I dont eat them but i love their presence. ........................

i promised myself when i knew how to drive,i ll bring her to movie, but i only hav chance to bring her to d clinic.
i promised to assist her to toilet during the night by sleeping in her room, but caused her to restrain her urine because dont want to wake me up.
i wanted to spent more time with her, but F6 study kept holding me down
She asked me whether she can make it to see me married, and i answered i'll try my best and she laughed,
Should i said tht, am i not doing my best or it just ......
I m ok now, just that these thought still kept in my refrigerator

Ophthalmology posting

Finished 2 weeks of ophthalmology posting (which was ment to be 3, thanks to d un-coordinate n myopic system of my school, we spend one week holiday-ing). Gosh, questions on (i)what should i learn, (ii)what i ve been learning and (iii)what have i learnt is totally un-answered. After 2 years of pre-clinical lecture with chop-stick feeding (spoon feed = total-fed ; chopstick = fed but fish ball, rice etc r fed vry difficultly) n a 1/2 year of fun n self-initiative introductory medicine n surgery postings, i m doing something on specific structure on ""eyes"".

How complex could an eye be, as everything in d world is so complex :) Try to caffeine-nized my self with teh tarik every morning (i dont drink coffee) n convert all d protein-degenerating temperature into my energy to get through d day, not much ward work to do, bed side teching r few, OPD r luck-depended, phew~ at least i learn to use ophthalmoscope.

"So what is the cup-disc ratio?"
"err"
"Can u see d disc?"
"err it seems pale"
"Nope, its normal"
"Can u really see d fundus?"
"hmm, i think she got cataract"
"Go home a practice more!"

Yet mastering it is another issue.