It's so hard to spit it out

I finally figured it out why i wasnt really feeling any joyfullness during my cny.
When we are small, special occasion was always special, now when older, something seems missing, thought it was d part and parcel of aging process. Then noticed it wasnt really true. Aging cause us to change from "enjoying the season holiday" to "ensure the season holiday is enjoyful". Ever felt that we tend to maintain the memories in our life tht had cause something beautiful. When they r gone, something seems evaporated.

Lately one of my friend's granny had passed away, which reminds me of mine. Someone so dear to me whenever i thought of her, tears keep floating down. So i ve learnt to mind-block myself, an ability to keep memories in refrigerator, whenever u accidentlly open d door, everythings looks raw and fresh. Yet d memory-puzzle that i ve framed seems peeling off slowly as times go by, edges torn, colors fade. How terrified such feeling could be. Gathering dinner at home without Loh Bak and curry chicken wasnt really a gathering dinner. There is gathering, there is dinner, but without the soul. Though i m a not-so-strict vegetarien now, the presence of these food, the looks, the smells, the frying sound and even the sneeze-causing aroma of chilly during grinding make a hugh difference. I dont eat them but i love their presence. ........................

i promised myself when i knew how to drive,i ll bring her to movie, but i only hav chance to bring her to d clinic.
i promised to assist her to toilet during the night by sleeping in her room, but caused her to restrain her urine because dont want to wake me up.
i wanted to spent more time with her, but F6 study kept holding me down
She asked me whether she can make it to see me married, and i answered i'll try my best and she laughed,
Should i said tht, am i not doing my best or it just ......
I m ok now, just that these thought still kept in my refrigerator

Ophthalmology posting

Finished 2 weeks of ophthalmology posting (which was ment to be 3, thanks to d un-coordinate n myopic system of my school, we spend one week holiday-ing). Gosh, questions on (i)what should i learn, (ii)what i ve been learning and (iii)what have i learnt is totally un-answered. After 2 years of pre-clinical lecture with chop-stick feeding (spoon feed = total-fed ; chopstick = fed but fish ball, rice etc r fed vry difficultly) n a 1/2 year of fun n self-initiative introductory medicine n surgery postings, i m doing something on specific structure on ""eyes"".

How complex could an eye be, as everything in d world is so complex :) Try to caffeine-nized my self with teh tarik every morning (i dont drink coffee) n convert all d protein-degenerating temperature into my energy to get through d day, not much ward work to do, bed side teching r few, OPD r luck-depended, phew~ at least i learn to use ophthalmoscope.

"So what is the cup-disc ratio?"
"err"
"Can u see d disc?"
"err it seems pale"
"Nope, its normal"
"Can u really see d fundus?"
"hmm, i think she got cataract"
"Go home a practice more!"

Yet mastering it is another issue.